meeting logan.

**this is a BIRTH story so read at your own risk.

i'll keep certain things to myself but it might still be tmi for some of you.

**this account is LONG! but its for me. and hopefully logan someday. i want to remember every detail, it's already starting to fade. i want logan to know just how excited we were the day she was born. i don't have the time nor energy to re-read everything i wrote, so please excuse/don't judge all the typos & poor grammar.

i'm not sure i know how to even write this. i've sat for the past two weeks trying to do so and words still aren't enough. we've been BLESSED with three births that were exactly what we desired. lane's labor & birth was 30 hours long with 45 minutes of pushing. his birth experience left me in a birthing "high." less than two years later gage entered this big world in a rush. his birth was fast and so intense. gage's birth was amazing but left me with so much fear. i remembered strong contractions being on top of each other and pushing being crazy. so...going into baby #3's birth, my mind was clear of exactly what i WANTED but with a bit of cloudy fears every once and awhile. birth is a miracle...weather at a hospital, at home, c-section, in the woods, or medicated. a miracle. all i know is right now i have a tiny baby breathing in my arms, making squeky noises, a real person..a little person that joined us on a wednesday morning....

sunday, december 18:

just before bedtime i start feeling an all too familiar feeling...a gallbladder attack was coming. i was so upset that the tears were just flowing. it was an awful attack. SO much pain. i couldn't breathe and couldn't move. during the attack i started to feel some contractions. i was so upset because i really didn't want to be dealing with an attack while in labor. we talk with jill, our doula, and she offers lots of encouragement. slowly but surely after a few hours of unbearable pain the gallbladder attack lets up and contractions do too. we're so happy to go to bed and sleep...even though its 3am.

monday, december 19:

i feel just fine. TIRED from such a rough night but other than that i felt like my usual pregnant self. the boys & i go to the mall with my parents (and everyone else in denver) to finish up some christmas shopping. while walking around i start to notice a few things that could mean something is starting. i don't say a word to anyone but tell jill our doula. she says, "i really think you'll be having this baby sometime tonight..." again, i feel great all day. before bed i have a back ache but besides that no noticeable contractions.

tuesday, december 20:

3:20am: i wake up to a very noticeable contraction. i was so excited, how could i possibly go back to sleep?

3:28am: another contraction.

3:38am: another contraction.

yesss! things were starting. everyone had a strong feeling that this baby would come just as fast as gage so i decided to get up and get some things together. pack our hospital bags, i take a shower & do my hair between contractions, eat a granola bar. i took my time, peaking at the clock every ten minutes to check things were still going. i wake up vance around 5:30 and tell him i'm having some contractions so maybe he should stay home from work. his response was a HUGE smile and said "yes, i'm so happy." he packs his bags before the boys wake up. we are so very excited. contractions were there and labor was starting BEFORE my due date. i was sooo excited to not be 41+ weeks pregnant. (the dr's had agreed to let me go to 43 weeks given my past history...that would be january 14th. YIKES! ha!) the boys woke up and we went downstairs. my parents were both puzzled when they saw vance home. i spoke up and said, "well, i think i'm going to have a baby today so he is staying home..." they just about fell over. "what?!" "really?" sometime around then contractions sorta started fading. 10 minutes turned into 15, 15 minutes turned into 20. what was going on?! i had the strong urge to get outside and walk. the night before it snowed 8 inches so my mom & i bundled up in snow boots & heavy coats and went for a 1.5 mile walk. it was GORGEOUS out!! i'll never forget how sparkly the snow looked in the bright sun. things stayed about every 8 minutes but they weren't super strong contractions anymore. ugh, whats going on? i come home and update our blog while the boys play sweetly next to me. all afternoon i go from the medicine ball to walking while contractions are 8-10 minutes apart. uncomfortable. if i sit, they slow down. vance and i go for a walk, another 1.5 miles. during that walk i held vance's hand the whole time and had my eyes closed most of it; we prayed, talked to baby & to my body to just relax and let go. i had my weekly appointment scheduled for 4:30 that they. we are SO afraid to go, i really don't want to be sent to labor & delivery if i'm not "ready" to go (even if i am dialted...) the dr checks me and says, "3cm & 75% effaced" awesome, great, what? only that far along?! i've been laboring ALL DAY! he says, "you MIGHT be in labor but we really don't know unless we check you in an hour, do you want to go to the hospital?" nope, we'll go home. they have me schedule an appointment for a week, yuck. directly leaving the appointment, contractions are STRONG. i have to stop in the hallway, the elevator, the parking lot. vance and i decide to go to target to walk & finish some christmas shopping. every 6 minutes we try to find an empty isle to work on a rush thats coming. i lean my head into vance's shoulder, hoping not to scare people. after two hours, we decide its time to go home. as soon as i sit down in the car, contractions slow down. i have a supper of saltine crackers & grapes. we tuck the boys into bed between sparatic contractions. and then...discouragement sets in. we thought we'd be having a baby by noon that day and here we are at 8pm at home. we discuss going on a walk but we're so mentally & physically worn out that we just go to bed. i tell my mom "contractions have stopped so we're going to bed. i'll let you know if anything starts up over night." i try not to cry.

wednesday, december 21:

12:38am: i get up to use the restroom and have a very strong contraction. i'm so tired and waddle back to bed.

i dream about bowling balls and target shopping carts.

3:30am: a contraction wakes me up.

3:36am: that one was really hard to breathe through.

i need vance. every six minutes i have an intense contraction laying in bed. vance helps me breathe, relax. as soon as the contraction was over we'd both fall into a deep deep sleep.

5:30am: laying down isn't working anymore. i must get up. we text jill our doula "this has to be the day i have my baby...these contractions are really strong." she comes over around 6:30am. contractions were still every 6-10 minutes depending on what position i was in. i get in the bathtub since i loved it while in labor with the boys. it doesn't feel that good, i'd rather be walking. actually, i'm afraid to sit, i really don't want labor to stop. jill reassures me that the baby is on its way.

7:30am: the boys wake up. lane doesn't want anything to do with me or the situation, the only thing he asks me is "why is your body so warm?" gage sits on my lap while bouncing on the medicine ball.

we stay upstairs all morning. jill starts to get concerned because she can't tell how far along i am because i stay so calm while laboring. we didn't want to push it like with gage, i needed to push while in the car with gage. we think i'm probably around a 5. we discuss going and decide to head there around 9:15am. we laugh because with gage i couldn't walk down the stairs...this time walk, put on my shoes, love on my boys, get in the car. contractions were definitely there but with the help of vance & my mom in the car i could breathe through them. for the first time in two days i started to feel the contractions in my back while we were driving. i start shaking. while checking into the hospital, i just sit in a wheelchair shaking away. i tell vance & jill that i'm just really cold.

last time with gage they had me go to triage first, the dr tells the staff to put me in a room because "that girl knows if she's in labor or not." i was so happy to be wheeled directly to a room. we have to go past the nursery...i looked up and saw a little baby and i get freaked out, how is there a baby in me?!

when we get in the room the nurse checks me and says, "alrighty, you are 9 cm dialted." WHAT?!? how could i be nine centimeters?? i ask over and over, "are you sure?, i think she felt wrong?, are they lying to me just to make me feel good?" jill, vance, & mom are so excited and keep saying, "you are doing such a good job..." i was so thankful, my FAVORITE dr was on call from our office. he walks in and checks me as well "ok, you can push whenever you want but baby's head is still up high in the bag of water." i discuss my fear of breaking my waters. our dr is so patient, he never pushed anything. just saying "whenever you're ready." for the next hour i breathe and focus during contractions, they were never out of control...vance reminded me to take a deep breathe, relax my face. we would all just sit & wait for the next contraction...i'd put my index finger up and become very serious. sometime around this time i began to wonder if we should break my water to help baby come down. i became VERY fearful of the end...pushing. (with gage it was SO hard!!) jill looks directly in my eyes and tells me i HAVE to let go of those fears. she's right, there is no way to avoid it and i will remember how to push. but, i'm not ready...i'm not ready for the craziness to begin. i wanted this baby to come down when he/she is ready so we wait. after a while more..."i'm ready for my water to break if it doesn't do it on its own." soon enough, the dr starts to get gloves on, nurses are scurrying about. the nurse starts to break apart the bed (put in the stir ups) but dr stallworth says, "don't worry about it, we'll let her push however she wants" i was so thankful. he breaks my water and BOOM...i push. oh my goodness, i need to push. i push and hear "celine, you need to stop pushing for just a second...the head is out." what?! how is the head out, i just started doing this? i can hear my mom crying "oh, there is red hair, your baby is gorgeous." i say, "i can't stop pushing, i need to push now..." and within a second later there is a baby on my lap and vance is crying "its a girl, we have a little girl!!" shocked, speechless, in love. oh so in love...with my little girl and my husband. this was the little baby we'd prayed for, hoped for, dreamed of for 9 very long months. this was the little baby that we had felt wiggle & grow...and here SHE was, in my arms. my heart was in a solid state of bliss and peace, pure happiness.

pics from laboring at the hospital...

right when we got there and they told me i was 9cm. we are shocked and couldn't stop smiling. besides the shaking, i never had any of the classic transition signs. never once did "i can't do this" enter my mind.

my rock , my love.
loving his kisses:)



probably one of my most favorite pictures while laboring...i was very content to labor sitting there. everyone being so patient while we wait for another rush closer to baby.
breathe, relax, breathe.
in an attempt to get baby down, jill would squuueeeeze my hips during a contraction. it brought SO much relief!
somewhere around this point is when things got more intense. the time of the picture taken was 11:21am...she was born at 11:23.


pushing. white knuckling it.
and theres the little beauty is. even though my initial bag of waters had been broken, when she came out another "bag" of water broke too. she was born in like a river/rush of water...it was everywhere!
"oh my baby, my baby" was the only thing i could say.

in this picture i know i'm asking "why isn't she crying?!? she's not crying!!!" i asked probably 100 times... she was so very calm & quiet, she didn't make any sound.
some of the sweetest moments of my entire life. little logan content to lay on me till the umbilical cord stop pulsing. she was so squishy, warm, gorgeous...ours:)
(sorry, i just feel bad putting all of her out there on pics...she'll thank me in a few years...)
for some reason, i LOVE this picture of her. little crying face:) we are SHOCKED at how tiny & dainty she is. she just looks like girl compared to her big brothers. AND, her head is over THREE inches smaller than the boys...thats a lot smaller!!
daddy's first time holding his little GIRL!
me breaking down...SO many tears. "i really wanted pink..."
we LOVE our dr, so grateful!
oh yep, more tears.
my team:) and when i say team, i mean it. it takes a team for me to have a little baby. couldn't have done it without them!!

i look back at this whole experience and am so completely humbled. in a sense, i was not in control, my body was, i let it do its job. i had to let go completely to reach the end..sweet logan. and i made her, WE made her. my body did it on its own. while i was busy with my own life my body somehow created this little person. a person. how humbling...what an amazing GOD we serve. for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. ps. 139:13